She has secrets in her hair

I was leisurely strolling back to my office today after lunch and noticed some uber-punk rock chick standing near the doors to our building. From a distance I could already tell that she had raided Cyndi Lauper’s closet (circa 1985) because nothing remotely came close to matching. That’s perfectly fine with me, wear what you want people. As the distance between us further closed I also noticed that she had taken the time to dye her “hair” at least 4 different colors but apparently did not have the time to wash it as well. Again, fine…your hair, your business. What I was 100%, absolutely not fine with were the contents her hair held. I had to directly slide past this woman to get into my office and as I did, something lurched out of her hair at me. It was a huge friggin’ rat, which I can only assume was her pet because it too had a stunning dye job (orange polka dots). I’m all for freedom of expression but not when it virtually jumps on my face. Let's keep the varmints at home people.

Why is there a shoe on your mantle?

Last night I met up with Jake and two of his co-workers for some post grind cocktails. After a few hours, some hysterical conversations and a massive tab, we all decided to relocate to good ol' Natoma. The evening was progressing swimmingly though I fully should have anticipated some crazy from the streets below. Yes, this is yet another Natoma story but this one takes the cake over all others to date.

So we were all sitting around enjoying our glasses of wine when some unintelligible ranting began to filter in from the windows. Being a curious individual I quietly slipped out onto the balcony and looked down onto the now infamous street. There was a man and a woman camped out in what I'm officially dubbing the "crack nook" on the side of the building across the street. Jake and his co-workers at this point had their interest piqued and decided to join me outside to watch in horror as this incident played itself out.

This man seemed to be fumbling around with the woman's leg and for a few minutes we couldn't quite determine what his end goal was. That is until he pulled up her pant leg and proceeded to shoot her up with whatever chemical de jour they had the good fortune of obtaining that evening. Eww, don't, gross, stop, please....and it was over. I thought. Once her tonic took hold she appeared to be getting a little.....excited? One of Jake's co-workers made a noise which quickly garnered the attention of the man below. Apparently he enjoys an audience because he began to rub her womanly parts. Thus began the horror of the evening. She stood up, peeled off her hootchie shoes, yanked off her pants and under garments, planted one leg up on the side of the wall and positioned herself over her man. You see where this is going don't you? That's right, he proceeded to perform oral sex right there, on my street, in plain view of the world and in particular my balcony.

The four of us stood there, locked in a death gaze, unable to blink, breathe or move. This went on for a few minutes before I decided that I needed to make it even more blog worthy. (Nick's internal thought) "Certainly the dog needs to go out right now". Down the stairwell I bolted with my dog grumpily being dragged behind. As I opened the door to the street I catch the woman zipping up her pants. She strolled over to me with what I can only describe as some vestige of a proper swagger commonly found in southern women and said, "Now you have a good evenin' honey" and walked away. I was dumbfounded. Were we really their audience and my street their theater?? After the initial stupor faded I glanced across the street and noticed that she had left her shoes. Naturally I needed a momento of their show, so I nabbed one. It is now prominently displayed on my mantle above the fireplace. Let's call it a conversation piece.

Wanted: Housekeeper

So I'm rapidly reaching the unfortunate conclusion that a clause for clutter gnomes was slipped into my rental agreement here in SF. For the life of me I never had a problem keeping my house in order back in Austin. Perhaps I'm living by example? The people on the streets below certainly haven't the foggiest notion of putting items where they belong. Maybe the street is just clutter cursed? I've taken a gander into several an open door in my building's hallways only to see an indoor representation of the sidewalks outside. Whatever the supernatural cause might be...IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS. We literally clean about every two days and like clockwork we'll awake 48 hours later to the house from "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" (pre Sue Ellen Crandell's ill-fated fashion show). Thus begins the next round of scouring...yeah, I'm right on top of that Rose.
Honestly, I think our dog walker is the main impetus for cleaning. I'm afraid that if she walks in and sees a sloppy kitchen too often she'll call animal control citing an unfavorable living environment. Ok ok ok so it's really not THAT bad. A neat freak I am not but on the flip side, any clutter is too much clutter....it just takes me a little longer than my OCD counterparts to get around to it. Speaking of dogs, my little tail chaser is half the reason it's so hard to keep things clean. Since moving to a climate cooler than steamy Texas, he has put on a bit of a winter coat. Portions of said winter coat consequently only remain on his body for a short period of time. Once his daily 5,000 hairs decide to secede from the union, they start rival gangs on my hardwood floors, eternally vying for territory. Alas that leaves Jake and I stuck fighting a losing battle in a war that seems to have no end. Hmmm that sounds familiar...eh Bushy?

In any event, this brings me to the subject of the posting. I might be starting to maybe think about possibly researching the far fetched notion of hiring a maid....hypothetically. Anyone have any experience in considering this option? He'll need to be about 6'4", tanned, dark hair, good physique and an accent wouldn't hurt. Wearing shoes while cleaning is negotiable.

George Takei on the William Shatner Roast

Holy f'ing shit. In case any of you missed this little jem, PLEASE WATCH. GO SULU!!!!!

Did you know

So Jake and I chose to lay low tonight in lieu of going out on the town. I decided to go through some of my old pictures and came across a couple involving another of our blogger friends. Interesting tidbit of knowledge, he and I have the same birthday (March 8th). This is from our joint b'day party at my house in Austin a few years ago. The picture below is of my sister, myself and of course Kelly.


We had two friends of mine dress up as Patsy and Edina (AbFab for the gay culturally challenged). Kelly's expression cracks me up in this pic. It's almost like he's one of Bob Barker's girls showcasing a brand new car.


He and I went all out for this not so little shindig. Had over 120 people show up which made us VERY happy we decided to hire a bartender. Kelly, I think we need to start planning the '07 bash. Obviously 2006 was a wash because we were both planning a move to SF.

Who pulled that rabbit outta my wig?

Oh dear lord in heaven, Coco Merlot has pulled an old dusty rabbit out of her wig. I encourage you all to take a gander at his latest blog entry. This involves Kelly (a.k.a. Who Threw That Ham At Me) and myself. Ahh the memories…..the horror…..Trent.

Weatherman vs. the Cockroach

This further bolsters my theory that all weathermen are big nelly homos.

Hewwo fwom zee moon!!

Apparently China broadcast 30 songs from their lunar-probing satellite to commemorate their Moon Festival.

According to the article "My Wonderful Home Town" received the most votes followed by "I Love China".

Other songs that were broadcast but not mentioned in the article are "My Village Has Flooded", "Population Explosion", "We Love Cream of SumYunGuy" and the big crowd pleaser "Religious Freedom '90".

I personally love the fact that all the songs broadcasted were selected by "public votes and by a panel of experts". That's worth a laugh and a half.

Mirror mirror on the wall...

This morning again saw the rise of my usual routine: shower, shave, toss on some clothes, frantically rush out the door so I can swing by to pick up the obligatory Arizona Iced Green Tea and then slide in to work. Aside from some rain, there was nothing to indicate that this day would prove to hold something more than the status quo.

I sat down and began going through what masses of corporate e-mail had piled up from the day before when someone pops their head in to ask if I could join them for a quick meeting. Internally grumbling because I hadn't yet had the opportunity to skim the news, I capitulated and headed to the conference room.

Generally speaking this piece of information would be exceedingly pointless but it's crucial to my story. Our front conference room is on street level and two of the four walls are almost entirely glass looking out onto the streets. From the outside, these windows are just about 100% reflective. Sure, we've had our fun in the past giggling at people who walk by and briefly primp themselves before it dawns on them that someone might be watching from the other side. What lay in store for us this morning was nothing short of a carnival freak show. Queue the carni music.

Meeting begins. Nick: "wa wha wa wa wa wha" Boss: "wa wha wa wa wa wha" Employee1: "wa wha wa wa wa wha" Boss: "what the hell is that!!"

Everyone turns towards the window (see picture below):



In case you're not picking up on it, there's Bum Betty in the window. No she's not peeking in at us, she can't see in. She spent the first 5 minutes looking at something that was stuck in her eyebrow. For a closeup of that see below:



The next 10 minutes (and no we refrained from taking a picture of this) she spent closely examining the inner contents of her nose......THOROUGHLY if you catch my drift. Needless to say the meeting proved to be unproductive since we spent the entire time laughing and cringing. Thanks Bum Betty for making an otherwise gloomy Thursday morning just a little bit brighter!!

CoCo Merlot, C'MON DOWN!!!

Everyone, it is my great pleasure to introduce you to a dear friend of mine. He's a little bit country, he's a little bit scary, he just might be stealing a dress from your sister's closet....yes that's right, IT'S Coco Merlot!!!

Seriously though, this is a very good friend of mine from back in Austin who coincidentally will be making his first San Francisco appearance this weekend. He also just joined the blogging community. You can track the mad rantings of Coco Merlot on his blog, Intelligently Ignorant.

As for the picture, yeah...umm......dude, did you have to go all out and do the finger nails?

This was actually taken at a Halloween party last year at my house in Austin. So I guess we'll let this slide (sorta).

Defcon 2

NATOMA TRAVEL ALERT: DEFCON LEVEL TWO
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Travel advisory - All residents and tourists who plan on venturing into the SoMa area of San Francisco, please proceed with added caution for the rest of the week.

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Jake and I have picked up on a very strong trend in our neighborhood over the past few months. Around the 1st of every month we start to notice a very distinct increase in crazy.

At first I thought it was coincidence, and then I considered the gravitational forces of the moon but now I'm just convinced....this must be the time of month that our street walking friends get paid by the government.

There are a select few who roam this area that I utterly enjoy encountering. For instance the extremely kind man who draws some of the most amazing pictures or the overly friendly woman who acts as if it's the first time she's seen my dog.....each night. These are the type of people who you truly want to help out. But where on earth do they go around the 1st??? They may be without home but they're not without intelligence. THEY RUN!!!! It's around this time of month that faces seem to be in more of a stuper or more enraged. Even the neighborhood youth seems to exude a surly demeanor (see picture).

Jacob comes home with a large grocery bag of fine select cheeses, a bottle of wine, french bread, etc. etc.

Nick: Jake, this is such a nice surprise

Jake: I'm happy to do it. I was on my way home and thought I'd pop into the new Westfield mall to get hors doerves and ingredients for dinner.

Nick: Awww

From outside: HEY YOU MOTHER FUCKER. I HAVE YOUR PLACE SURROUNDED. GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE NOW YOU S.O.B. (throws beer bottle at S.O.B's window)

So this drunken or drug induced drama played out for about 20 minutes. Sure, I'll admit that while I didn't enjoy having a nice dinner interrupted by crazy, it was moderately entertaining. However, this was just the beginning of Crazy Week Oct. '06. Of course I go to take the dog out for his nightly bizniz run but this run was more of a hop.....a hop over that needle....a skip over another.......oh look.....poop...... What would an evening dog walk near the first of the month be without coming upon a woman holding what looks like a fine silver platter up so that she can get a better view of the back side of her knee, where naturally she's searching for a good entry point for her needle. Will have to make a mental note of that location so that I can of course hop and skip tomorrow.

The dog really digs it...he thinks it's a special occassion. I find it moderately humorous but ultimately annoying. Is this city ever going to figure out an adequate solution? I'm not suggestion finding them a remote island, just maybe not paying them to shoot up on my street???

Yeah I did it, but you were thinking it!!

Ok so yes...I did the deed that dare not speak its name. I bloodied up a distiguished member of the blogging community while giving a raging headache to another . But c'mon, you all were thinking it....I just had the low hangers!!!

Wanna know why I did?? I walked into Chox's bedroom and he's standing there with another of your beloved bloggers. What were they doing you ask??? Oh I'll tell you what these two were doing...they were totally being Regina George and Gretchen Weiners (a.k.a Mean Girls)!!!

(insert ficticious crying here)

OK OK OK, yeah what I pulled was a horrific accident and I feel like a total ass for it. Boys, you know I love you two. It was one of those "oops I've been drinking" moments. I'll concede that I fully expect to not live this one down for a couple years so c'mon, bring it. I love a good jab at my expense ;) Bloody boy and headache boy....I owe you beeyotches a few drinks.

Nick Natoma signing out....

(AND TAKING MANY ADVIL)

(BUT STILL DRINKING)




(AND STILL FEELING HORRID)