Smashing Pumpkins, hallways and earthquakes

This morning I dub myself the most retarded person in San Francisco... :( Last night the Smashing Pumpkins held a private concert for music industry folks. Being one who works for LiveNation I of course had tickets and took my good friend Josh. The concert far exceeded my expectations. SO...following an amazing evening I come home to an empty house and a grateful pup. I heat up some pizza. I turn on the tv. I sit down on the couch. I decide that the trash needs to be taken down to the garage. I walk out the door. I walk down the stairs. I put the trash in the communal trash cans. I walk upstairs. I get to my door. I reach in my pockets. NO....FUCKING....KEYS!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, that's right...I locked myself out of the loft. Keep in mind I'm now wearing shorts, a t-shirt, no shoes and a very unhappy scowl. After about 10 minutes of panic I admit defeat and curl up at the top of the building stairwell which leads to the rooftop deck (this being the place least likely for neighbors to see a sleeping loser who is prone to locking himself out of his house). This small elevated corner of San Francisco became my humble bed for the next 5 hours. Seems fitting seeing that there are a multitude of people sleeping on the sidewalk outside....such is Natoma St.

I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping. I'M MOVING. I'M MOVING. I'M MOVING. Stirring into a loose state of consciousness I ponder where I am and what is going on. It takes all of 3 seconds before I realise that I am locked out of my home, sleeping in a stairwell and am being awakened by a fucking earthquake!! WHAT...ARE...THE...ODDS??? It was a small quake but definitely sufficient enough to bring me back into my bleak reality.

Just as fast as the tremor came, it went, leaving me to once again deal with my predicament. This time however I came at the problem with a mentality far less fatalist. I make a quick jaunt down to the communal trash room and select a few conspicuous items from the bin. YES. I KNOW. GROSS!! Chastise me all you want but I was tired and had to take a leak like a submarine 2500 feet down. I digress. So my items consisted of a heavy duty paper plate, a slim piece of cardboard and a hanger. Those things aside I must confess that I now think my neighbors are complete freaks based on their waste. Or perhaps I'm the freak for going through a trash bin at 4am to find things to jimmy open my large steel door. We'll leave that up for debate. Back at my downstairs door I make a futile effort at shoving things where things don't belong or do one any good. Sigh. Still locked out. "Maybe the upstairs door will fare better!!??" Sigh. Same result. I am now resigned to the fact that I'm going to have to go to work in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt more becoming of a hobo than an employed person. WAIT!!! LASSIE WILL COME TO MY RESCUE!! I hear my golden retriever inside milling around and I spend the next 15 minutes attempting to coach him through the door in the fine art of jumping up and putting his paws on the handle. Let's just say that his level of frustration eventually exceeded mine as he audibly began to cry......heartbreaking on so many levels.

At this point I'm entirely about to admit defeat when I had what I can only describe as divine intervention in the form of internal dialogue. "You have two sky lights in your house". I quickly sprint up the stairs to the roof and spend the next 5 minutes counting the number of sky lights over the railing to ensure that I was not about to slide into bed with one of my unsuspecting neighbors. Having located what I was 80% sure was one of my two sky lights I crawl over the railing and pray to God and country that the thing will budge. At first it wouldn't give an inch. Finally it started to open and it wasn't much longer before I had it yanked open just enough to look down at a long drop and the familiar sight of my towels in my guest bathroom. EUREKA!!! My dog soon hears my efforts and is dancing in jubilation below me as I embark on my descent. Foot touches the toilet then the floor....I'M HOME!!! I immediately lifted the toilet lid and had the most satisfying urination of my life.

So a couple morals of this story...1) never leave your house without keys if you have auto locking doors. 2) Go see the Smashing Pumpkins if you ever have the opportunity. 3) Dogs, while smart, are not smart enough to open a door for you. 4) Wash your hands thoroughly after riffling through your neighbors refuse. 5) ALWAYS have a satisfying piss after dropping through your 3rd floor sky light at 5am. 6) If you ever have to sit outside your own door.....put on a big girl face and have a little attitude about it ;)