NEXT!!!

Can someone please explain to me why it is so difficult to find a "normal" tenant? Surely not everyone out there is a lunatic!? The past 24 hours have been an exercise in complete frustration.

Let's rewind a bit. Three friends of mine are renting out my house back in Austin. Two of them just bought their own place and are moving out at the end of August. The third, Casey, wants to stay so we're on the hunt for the ultimate roommate. Scratch that, we WERE on the hunt for the ultimate roommate, now we'd settle for someone that's at least half "normal" and a personality fit. Though, I'm not entirely sure I know what "normal" means at this point.

Casey posted an ad on craigslist last week and of course we received the anticipated onslaught of responses. Have you all ever seen History of the World Part I? There's that scene where Madeline Kahn playing Empress Nympho has to pick her escorts for the evening based on their "manly prowess". She walks down the row of men singing, "yes, no, no, no, no, no, no, YES, no, no, YES, no, no"..and so on. Watch the clip here if you haven't seen it...great scene. In any event that's how we felt sifting through these e-mail responses. There was the obligatory crazy, the predictably boring and a very short list of candidates that appeared to fit the mold.

Casey ultimately selected someone, let's call him George, for a one on one interview. George and Casey hit it off instantly. He was called back for a Sunday night bar-b-q to meet some of our friends. They too approved of George. Great! We had a roommate/tenant. I sat down Sunday night to draft up the rental agreement and e-mailed it to Casey, though I entirely forgot to PDF it. This was an oversight atypical of me but it turned out to be a fortuitous mistake. I soon received a signed copy of the contract from George in PDF format with a copy of his drivers license and a copy of two checks for the first months rent and deposit. Thus began trouble.

I gave a cursory glance over the contract and something quickly jumped out at me. There was some wording that I knew I never had in there. George had edited the contract to state his rent covered use of a second bedroom as his personal office (for the same price of course). My blood pressure immediately went through the roof. Don't screw with me George. Having noticed this glaring discrepancy I decided it would be prudent to scour this "new" contract for additional changes. I printed out the original version and George's version, placed one behind the other and held them up to the light. Instantly I found several sections that did not line up. Not only did he give himself another room, he removed all clauses pertaining to loss of deposit. He also changed the dollar amount for the late fee for rent.

WHO DOES THIS??? Did he think I wouldn't notice and blindly sign??? Needless to say I brought this up to Casey who was definitely disappointed but just as annoyed. Can we say red flags? I wrote a strongly worded e-mail to George citing my anger and stating that I would not be signing him as a tenant. He of course wrote back several times to try to weasel out of the situation. Every e-mail he sent only spurred additional lies and further solidified my stance. He finally threw in the towel when he saw I wasn't budging.

So we're back to square one. BOO. If any of you out there in blogger land know of someone in Austin who is looking to rent out a room in a cool house with a cool roommate...send them to this ad on craigslist. It's ultimately going to be Casey's decision who is selected but we're definitely on the look out for sane, fun applicants. Save us from tenant search hell!!!

Smashing Pumpkins, hallways and earthquakes

This morning I dub myself the most retarded person in San Francisco... :( Last night the Smashing Pumpkins held a private concert for music industry folks. Being one who works for LiveNation I of course had tickets and took my good friend Josh. The concert far exceeded my expectations. SO...following an amazing evening I come home to an empty house and a grateful pup. I heat up some pizza. I turn on the tv. I sit down on the couch. I decide that the trash needs to be taken down to the garage. I walk out the door. I walk down the stairs. I put the trash in the communal trash cans. I walk upstairs. I get to my door. I reach in my pockets. NO....FUCKING....KEYS!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, that's right...I locked myself out of the loft. Keep in mind I'm now wearing shorts, a t-shirt, no shoes and a very unhappy scowl. After about 10 minutes of panic I admit defeat and curl up at the top of the building stairwell which leads to the rooftop deck (this being the place least likely for neighbors to see a sleeping loser who is prone to locking himself out of his house). This small elevated corner of San Francisco became my humble bed for the next 5 hours. Seems fitting seeing that there are a multitude of people sleeping on the sidewalk outside....such is Natoma St.

I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping. I'M MOVING. I'M MOVING. I'M MOVING. Stirring into a loose state of consciousness I ponder where I am and what is going on. It takes all of 3 seconds before I realise that I am locked out of my home, sleeping in a stairwell and am being awakened by a fucking earthquake!! WHAT...ARE...THE...ODDS??? It was a small quake but definitely sufficient enough to bring me back into my bleak reality.

Just as fast as the tremor came, it went, leaving me to once again deal with my predicament. This time however I came at the problem with a mentality far less fatalist. I make a quick jaunt down to the communal trash room and select a few conspicuous items from the bin. YES. I KNOW. GROSS!! Chastise me all you want but I was tired and had to take a leak like a submarine 2500 feet down. I digress. So my items consisted of a heavy duty paper plate, a slim piece of cardboard and a hanger. Those things aside I must confess that I now think my neighbors are complete freaks based on their waste. Or perhaps I'm the freak for going through a trash bin at 4am to find things to jimmy open my large steel door. We'll leave that up for debate. Back at my downstairs door I make a futile effort at shoving things where things don't belong or do one any good. Sigh. Still locked out. "Maybe the upstairs door will fare better!!??" Sigh. Same result. I am now resigned to the fact that I'm going to have to go to work in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt more becoming of a hobo than an employed person. WAIT!!! LASSIE WILL COME TO MY RESCUE!! I hear my golden retriever inside milling around and I spend the next 15 minutes attempting to coach him through the door in the fine art of jumping up and putting his paws on the handle. Let's just say that his level of frustration eventually exceeded mine as he audibly began to cry......heartbreaking on so many levels.

At this point I'm entirely about to admit defeat when I had what I can only describe as divine intervention in the form of internal dialogue. "You have two sky lights in your house". I quickly sprint up the stairs to the roof and spend the next 5 minutes counting the number of sky lights over the railing to ensure that I was not about to slide into bed with one of my unsuspecting neighbors. Having located what I was 80% sure was one of my two sky lights I crawl over the railing and pray to God and country that the thing will budge. At first it wouldn't give an inch. Finally it started to open and it wasn't much longer before I had it yanked open just enough to look down at a long drop and the familiar sight of my towels in my guest bathroom. EUREKA!!! My dog soon hears my efforts and is dancing in jubilation below me as I embark on my descent. Foot touches the toilet then the floor....I'M HOME!!! I immediately lifted the toilet lid and had the most satisfying urination of my life.

So a couple morals of this story...1) never leave your house without keys if you have auto locking doors. 2) Go see the Smashing Pumpkins if you ever have the opportunity. 3) Dogs, while smart, are not smart enough to open a door for you. 4) Wash your hands thoroughly after riffling through your neighbors refuse. 5) ALWAYS have a satisfying piss after dropping through your 3rd floor sky light at 5am. 6) If you ever have to sit outside your own door.....put on a big girl face and have a little attitude about it ;)