The Chronicles of Natoma

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Crack is whack....or is it back......hmmmm

Whitney stopped me on the street tonight and she eloquently conveyed her concerns that I might be painting San Francisco in a grim light. I first and foremost wanted to clarify my intentions and secondly found our conversation stimulating so I asked her if she'd go on the record with me. The following is a transcript of our conversation.

Whitney: CRACK IS WHACK!!

Nick: Yes, so true, crack certainly is whack but I'd like us to get back to the point you previously made to me regarding my last post. You incinuated that I'm putting an ugly face on San Francisco. My only response is that my last post was purely in jest and entirely in response to people and situations I've personally encountered in my neighborhood. There are so many incredible and intriguing aspects to this city, all of which I fully intend to report on in the future.

Whitney: It's like, that's my lair and nobody messes with my lair.

Nick: Oh Whitney, you sassy manx....but seriously let's focus here..........HEY........HHEEEYYYY..... eyes open woman!

Whitney: [Wha! Who? Wha?] : I believe the children are our future

Nick: That's right, the children are our future and while we're on the topic of family, let's discuss yours.

Whitney: I've got a good man. He takes care of me. I don't have to be scared of anything because I know he will kick every ass... disrespect him and you've got a problem.

Whitney:
Bobby will take my hand and put it on his face-that's romantic.

Nick: Umm did you just get back from a trip to de-Nile? Do you read the tabloids? Do you even read?

Whitney: [shrugs]

Nick: I hate to be the one to break this to you but the S.S. Bobby has sailed. How does that make you feel?

Whtiney: I have no idea what I want, like I'm just a puppet

Whitney: .............CRACK IS WHACK

Nick: Mmmmhmmmm, why do you keep saying that when we all know you like to dabble. Aren't you aware you look like highway road kill? Haven't you noticed the looks you get?

Whitney: I was scared to death.
I was aware of people staring at me. No one moved. They seemed almost in trance.

Nick: [laughing] Well yes it really can be disconcerting to see walking death.

Whitney:
I would rather not talk about my personal life.

Nick: I completely understand. I wouldn't want to talk about my personal life either if I were giving an interview to an unknown while frantically shooing imaginary flies away from my train wreck of a face.

Whitney: I coulda been a rich man if I accepted all the bribes from the guys wanting to be in this room today.

Nick: Yeah, we're on the street, you're not a man and the aromas out here aren't appealing to me. Whitney, it has certainly been a.....I've enjoyed our......yeah I'm going to go upstairs to shower. Please keep it down tonight. Your voice isn't what it used to be and if I have to hear your banshee whails again at 3am I'm calling the cops.

*** Disclaimer: While this "interview" is completely ficticious, all comments made by Whitney are actually documented quotes. Go ahead, google them........

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Bowing to peer pressure.....



After six months of mounting pressure and much to their expected smirks, I have finally caved to the ranks of my blogger friends. So what do you say we do the meet and greet before I proceed to the actual reason I've utimately decided to sell out, sign up and buy in....

I originally hail from the ever beautiful, eternally liberal and all round kick ass city of Austin, TX. For those of you who are preparing to boo and hiss, Austin IS NOT stereotypical Texas so if you haven't been there, please direct your jeers elsewhere. I've always said that I felt disadvantaged growing up in a city that I truly love. While I'm an avid traveller, it never really provided me the impetus to go and out live elsewhere, until now. Fast forward to six months ago and my company decides to move operations to Dallas. I was given the option of taking a very generous severance package or moving up there with them. Needless to say that part was a complete no brainer. The less obvious part was deciding my next course of action. So my boyfriend and I had a discussion and decided on a whim to have a little adventure, a.k.a San Francisco. Finding a job was easier than anticipated (hadn't even finished my resume before I landed exactly what I was looking for) and I was on a plane to SF with two days notice. Finding a place to live was without a doubt more difficult and then actually moving was the proverbial icing on our stress cake. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda and there's the very quick and dirty on my background.

This brings us to the part where I tell you why I'm actually starting this blog. For the first few months after moving I would write these long, hilarious, action packed e-mails home to friends and family to keep them abreast of my "adventures". Invariably I would get the "you're kidding...that did not happen" response. So I'm going to be documenting the fun/insanity this city and particularly my street have to offer (with pictures when possible).

We found an amazing loft in SoMa (South of Market St. for those not from SF) but I'd be more than full of crap if I told you our immediate neighborhood was, ummm, dazzling. There's a mission right down the street and no that's not mission as in an area of SF but more like homeless mission. That's cool, I'm game, always up for a little diversity and the spirit of good will, right? Well sort of...let me provide some equations to help illustrate things:

THE SIMPLE AUSTIN EQUATION-
1) Austin + homeless = you at a stop light in your car rolling up your window so that you don't have to make eye contact with the ubiquitous, fairly well dressed man or woman holding a cardboard sign stating something about God and money.

THE NOT SO SIMPLE SF EQUATION-
2) San Francisco + homeless = (please see below)

A) For smokers: Cup your cigarette in your hand as you pass someone questionable. Flaunting nicotine delivery devices will result in many an unwelcomed "do you have one for me".
B) Confrontation avoidance methods: Sunglasses and headphones provide adequate plausible deniability.
C) Boxes: They're not just for packing anymore. Try to contain your shock when you walk by one that suddenly moves.
D) Dumpsters: See above
E) Wet side walks: It's rarely water
F) Dog poop: It's rarely from dogs
G) Drugs: If they're facing a wall to conceal, it's rarely a cig they're lighting.
H) Time of month: The city pays you to be homeless
I) Time of month: The 1st and 15th bring out the drug scaries (see above)
J) Psychotic rants: They are frequent, they are audible from your bedroom, they are without regard for time of day/night and they can last longer than El Nino....buy ear plugs.
K) Walking your dog: Be weary of the people who yell at your dog; be more weary of the ones who laugh uncontrollably just because there IS a dog.
L) Getting caught with your guard down: If you happen to get cornered and someone yells "Gimme a quarter!!", retort with "Give me a dollar!!". Chances are they're messed up enough to do it. Trust me...I've seen this work.

So that's just a sample of what I've learned so far with regards to dealing with the rampant homeless dilema in this city. Last night was actually the pinnacle of shocking experiences on this topic of discussion. As I was walking my dog down the street last night to do his business, I noticed two people sitting against the wall just across the way. Finding myself without sunglasses and headphones I realized I was treading into dangerous territory. Like clockwork the man yells, "hey, you wanna buy a watch", and without glancing over at him I chuckled and politely said no (another no no.....I dropped my guard and spoke). So dog and I continue walking until he's added to the abundant sidewalk art after which we turn back for the safety of the loft. This time as I approached the two people I got a better look and noticed that the woman was on her hands and knees but entirely covered with a blanket. The guy now yells, "hey man, you know you want some of this...it's damn good" and he removes the blanket to reveal her bare posterior and his finger going where I certainly didn't want to see it going. It quickly dawned on me that he was pimping her out right there on my street.

So yup....loads of fun, never a dull moment and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Such is San Francisco, you take the good with the bad and I've just scratched the surface. This is Nick signing IN and these are The Chronicles of Natoma.