The Chronicles of Natoma

REDIRECT

2007-10-09T10:07:00.000-07:00

Not that anyone reads this anymore as I've been significantly dragging my feet lately on posting but I'm in Australia/New Zealand on vacation. SO...until further notice.....read http://nicksdownunder.blogspot.com

NEXT!!!

2007-07-31T20:53:00.000-07:00

Can someone please explain to me why it is so difficult to find a "normal" tenant? Surely not everyone out there is a lunatic!? The past 24 hours have been an exercise in complete frustration.

Let's rewind a bit. Three friends of mine are renting out my house back in Austin. Two of them just bought their own place and are moving out at the end of August. The third, Casey, wants to stay so we're on the hunt for the ultimate roommate. Scratch that, we WERE on the hunt for the ultimate roommate, now we'd settle for someone that's at least half "normal" and a personality fit. Though, I'm not entirely sure I know what "normal" means at this point.

Casey posted an ad on craigslist last week and of course we received the anticipated onslaught of responses. Have you all ever seen History of the World Part I? There's that scene where Madeline Kahn playing Empress Nympho has to pick her escorts for the evening based on their "manly prowess". She walks down the row of men singing, "yes, no, no, no, no, no, no, YES, no, no, YES, no, no"..and so on. Watch the clip here if you haven't seen it...great scene. In any event that's how we felt sifting through these e-mail responses. There was the obligatory crazy, the predictably boring and a very short list of candidates that appeared to fit the mold.

Casey ultimately selected someone, let's call him George, for a one on one interview. George and Casey hit it off instantly. He was called back for a Sunday night bar-b-q to meet some of our friends. They too approved of George. Great! We had a roommate/tenant. I sat down Sunday night to draft up the rental agreement and e-mailed it to Casey, though I entirely forgot to PDF it. This was an oversight atypical of me but it turned out to be a fortuitous mistake. I soon received a signed copy of the contract from George in PDF format with a copy of his drivers license and a copy of two checks for the first months rent and deposit. Thus began trouble.

I gave a cursory glance over the contract and something quickly jumped out at me. There was some wording that I knew I never had in there. George had edited the contract to state his rent covered use of a second bedroom as his personal office (for the same price of course). My blood pressure immediately went through the roof. Don't screw with me George. Having noticed this glaring discrepancy I decided it would be prudent to scour this "new" contract for additional changes. I printed out the original version and George's version, placed one behind the other and held them up to the light. Instantly I found several sections that did not line up. Not only did he give himself another room, he removed all clauses pertaining to loss of deposit. He also changed the dollar amount for the late fee for rent.

WHO DOES THIS??? Did he think I wouldn't notice and blindly sign??? Needless to say I brought this up to Casey who was definitely disappointed but just as annoyed. Can we say red flags? I wrote a strongly worded e-mail to George citing my anger and stating that I would not be signing him as a tenant. He of course wrote back several times to try to weasel out of the situation. Every e-mail he sent only spurred additional lies and further solidified my stance. He finally threw in the towel when he saw I wasn't budging.

So we're back to square one. BOO. If any of you out there in blogger land know of someone in Austin who is looking to rent out a room in a cool house with a cool roommate...send them to this ad on craigslist. It's ultimately going to be Casey's decision who is selected but we're definitely on the look out for sane, fun applicants. Save us from tenant search hell!!!

Smashing Pumpkins, hallways and earthquakes

2007-07-20T05:32:00.000-07:00

This morning I dub myself the most retarded person in San Francisco... :( Last night the Smashing Pumpkins held a private concert for music industry folks. Being one who works for LiveNation I of course had tickets and took my good friend Josh. The concert far exceeded my expectations. SO...following an amazing evening I come home to an empty house and a grateful pup. I heat up some pizza. I turn on the tv. I sit down on the couch. I decide that the trash needs to be taken down to the garage. I walk out the door. I walk down the stairs. I put the trash in the communal trash cans. I walk upstairs. I get to my door. I reach in my pockets. NO....FUCKING....KEYS!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, that's right...I locked myself out of the loft. Keep in mind I'm now wearing shorts, a t-shirt, no shoes and a very unhappy scowl. After about 10 minutes of panic I admit defeat and curl up at the top of the building stairwell which leads to the rooftop deck (this being the place least likely for neighbors to see a sleeping loser who is prone to locking himself out of his house). This small elevated corner of San Francisco became my humble bed for the next 5 hours. Seems fitting seeing that there are a multitude of people sleeping on the sidewalk outside....such is Natoma St.

I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping. I'M MOVING. I'M MOVING. I'M MOVING. Stirring into a loose state of consciousness I ponder where I am and what is going on. It takes all of 3 seconds before I realise that I am locked out of my home, sleeping in a stairwell and am being awakened by a fucking earthquake!! WHAT...ARE...THE...ODDS??? It was a small quake but definitely sufficient enough to bring me back into my bleak reality.

Just as fast as the tremor came, it went, leaving me to once again deal with my predicament. This time however I came at the problem with a mentality far less fatalist. I make a quick jaunt down to the communal trash room and select a few conspicuous items from the bin. YES. I KNOW. GROSS!! Chastise me all you want but I was tired and had to take a leak like a submarine 2500 feet down. I digress. So my items consisted of a heavy duty paper plate, a slim piece of cardboard and a hanger. Those things aside I must confess that I now think my neighbors are complete freaks based on their waste. Or perhaps I'm the freak for going through a trash bin at 4am to find things to jimmy open my large steel door. We'll leave that up for debate. Back at my downstairs door I make a futile effort at shoving things where things don't belong or do one any good. Sigh. Still locked out. "Maybe the upstairs door will fare better!!??" Sigh. Same result. I am now resigned to the fact that I'm going to have to go to work in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt more becoming of a hobo than an employed person. WAIT!!! LASSIE WILL COME TO MY RESCUE!! I hear my golden retriever inside milling around and I spend the next 15 minutes attempting to coach him through the door in the fine art of jumping up and putting his paws on the handle. Let's just say that his level of frustration eventually exceeded mine as he audibly began to cry......heartbreaking on so many levels.

At this point I'm entirely about to admit defeat when I had what I can only describe as divine intervention in the form of internal dialogue. "You have two sky lights in your house". I quickly sprint up the stairs to the roof and spend the next 5 minutes counting the number of sky lights over the railing to ensure that I was not about to slide into bed with one of my unsuspecting neighbors. Having located what I was 80% sure was one of my two sky lights I crawl over the railing and pray to God and country that the thing will budge. At first it wouldn't give an inch. Finally it started to open and it wasn't much longer before I had it yanked open just enough to look down at a long drop and the familiar sight of my towels in my guest bathroom. EUREKA!!! My dog soon hears my efforts and is dancing in jubilation below me as I embark on my descent. Foot touches the toilet then the floor....I'M HOME!!! I immediately lifted the toilet lid and had the most satisfying urination of my life.

So a couple morals of this story...1) never leave your house without keys if you have auto locking doors. 2) Go see the Smashing Pumpkins if you ever have the opportunity. 3) Dogs, while smart, are not smart enough to open a door for you. 4) Wash your hands thoroughly after riffling through your neighbors refuse. 5) ALWAYS have a satisfying piss after dropping through your 3rd floor sky light at 5am. 6) If you ever have to sit outside your own door.....put on a big girl face and have a little attitude about it ;)

A RANT, A SHOW, A PODCAST AND A HO

2007-06-20T00:24:00.000-07:00

First the show: Jacob and I had the great fortune to obtain 10th row seats to the Gwen Stefani concert tonight. IT...WAS...FANTASTIC! Gwen was a paradigm of sparkle motion wrapped in a hundred pounds of fun flanked by sexy mens. I was moist.

A podcast: Dan and Jimmi randomly called me while I was waiting for Lady Sovereign to open for Gwen. They couldn't have selected a better moment to FINALLY include me in their little exclusive podcast clique. Now that they gave me a proper interview I suppose I'll start regularly listening. =)

A rant: To American parents: WHAT IN HOLY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL?? As Jacob and I took our seats at the concert tonight we quickly realized that there were an unusually high number of children present. At first all I did was feign annoyance but this quickly morphed into utter disbelief. The opening acts for Gwen were Lady Sovereign and Akon. For those of you who aren't aware, Akon recently had his security grab a guy out of the crowd and toss him on stage so that he could be picked up by Akon and TOSSED viciously back into the crowd. See video below.

Back to my point, both of these acts were NOT G rated. I'm entirely guilty of throwing out the f bomb amid a frenzy of other expletives but I don't do this around kids. All I can surmise is that either these parents are so devoid of any knowledge regarding what their children culturally absorb or they just don't care. In either actuality...SHAME ON YOU. I couldn't in 10 million years fathom bringing my pre-teen to that concert. What was scarier was that these innocent looking young girls turned into bubble gum hookers the second the music started. They knew every lurid dance move, every dirty word and every foul gesture that went along with it. I'm by no means a prude but I was really freakin' upset by it. Parents..how about we try to set an easily obtainable goal: RAISE YOUR KIDS SO THAT THEY ARE STILL VIRGINS BY THE AGE OF 11. If you make it that far I'll tip my hat to you because from my point of view half those kids were busting moves that I have to see on pay per view. I love freedom but I'm not so sure I would balk at a constitutional amendment requiring certification to breed at this point.

Finally...a ho: Dan, I just finished listening to your podcast and I'd like to make a couple points. #1) It has not been 8 months since my last post and I did not post just to legitimize my presence at the party Saturday. It's all good, I know that since it has been ages since your last podcast you felt the pressure to make a quip at my expense to spice up an otherwise bland bowl of porridge. Ok ok ok yes I have been on a blogging hiatus but we can thank work for that. All is forgiven ;) #2) Do we really need to refer to my street as a crack ridden alley? WAIT...OH FUCK...I do live on a crack ridden alley. Ok scratch point number two. .

Can't wait to see everyone this weekend!

Happy little tree

2007-06-14T16:24:00.000-07:00

My sister sent me a video this afternoon of a show that I used to adore as a kid but haven't thought about in ages. I'm sure most of you know who Bob Ross is..? He's the painter who had a public access show in which he'd crank out nature paintings in each episode. I swear this man had the most soothing voice. I used to love sitting at home nodding off to him talking about happy little trees and happy little clouds with the sound of his brush strokes in the background. He almost put me asleep today at the office watching the video on youtube. Screw NyQuil...just toss him on your TV at night. ZZzzzzz ZZZzzzzz ZZZZZzzzzz

Conflicting Careers

2007-06-12T18:03:00.000-07:00

Ok people, if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times...if you're going to be a rapist you need to be sure that your day job is not as a news anchor. Jesus, some idiots just don't think ;)

The bigger they are the harder they Fall-well

2007-05-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

I am truly not one who revels in the death of any human being but I never considered this man a member of the human race...SO....ADIOS JERRY FALWELL. You will not be missed. Perhaps now as you sit in your self induced hell of an afterlife you'll have this epiphany: "Oh shit I had it all wrong". For those who would like to read about his very timely passing, here ya go.

Time for a tyrade

2007-05-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

The other day I was watching television when a political ad came on. It was this grandmother who is urging you to call your congress persons to vote down the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Act. Here is a transcript of the commercial:

----------------------------------------------------
They said hate crimes wouldn't silence our freedoms.

But, now, we know better.

My name is Arlene Elshinnawy. I'm a 75-year-old grandmother of three.

On October 10, 2004, I attended a homosexual event in Philadelphia. We went there to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ. But, instead, I was arrested, jailed and charged under Pennsylvania's hate crimes law.

If you care about freedom, stop the hate crimes bill before they throw you in jail for sharing the Gospel.

Call Congress: 202-224-3121
---------------------------------------------------

What this ad doesn't tell you is that all charges were later dropped against this woman and her other "preaching" friends. My first thought was, "how low have these zealots sunk that they need to put a granny on to beg for their agenda".

As most of you are now probably aware, we scored a major victory with the passing of the hate crimes bill in Congress. It now goes on to the Senate where it is widely expected to pass. That's where the victory dance ends. We can all sit and watch as our Moron in Chief vetos the bill.

I particularly lament the statement made by a White House official which states, "The Administration favors strong criminal penalties for violent crime, including crime based on personal characteristics, such as race, color, religion, or national origin." I'm pleased these back woods boys are even able to admit that they think crimes based on race should be strongly punished. Perhaps in another fifty years they'll be able to stomach the inclusion of sexuality in that sentiment.

Mr. Bush, in the waning days of your vastly disasterous presidency, why don't you pick up a pen (that's the long thing most of us use to write with) and chicken scratch your name onto something that will actually do some good in the world.

Krispy Kreme - So Good You'll....

2007-03-06T11:55:00.000-08:00

They finally figured out what causes homosexuality in men. Sure, I'll admit that I too once bought into the hotly debated mentality that sexual preference is based predominantly on one's genetic make-up. Fortunately a local news station set me "straight". It makes such perfect sense!

(In case you're having trouble reading the caption on that image it states, "So good, you'll suck dick) I think someone was fired earlier that day and got in the last laugh :)

It's been a while....

2007-03-02T16:55:00.000-08:00

I know..it has been quite a while since I posted anything (two months and 12 days to be exact). I figured that it's long past time I start getting back into it and what better way than with one of my least favorite person's mad quotes caught on tape! I just want to run up there and pull her freaking hair out. This pathetic excuse for a woman will do anything for attention.

Shake, Rattle and Run Like Hell

2006-12-21T17:08:00.000-08:00

Well, it finally happened. Last night I experienced my first earthquake. I will entirely admit that it was a very minor quake (3.7) but it was one of the strangest sensations I've had. Keep in mind that I hail from the ever geologically stable area of central Texas so the notion of the earth moving is entirely foreign to me.

So last night I come home from work, get some food in my stomach and am waiting on the couch for Dan to call me to meet for drinks. I start to feel a slight vibration and initially concluded that my dog was scratching himself against the couch below my feet. That was quickly dispelled when the entire couch began to lurch with me on it. So what do I decide to to?? I get up and start running around the room like a chicken with its head cut off. The shaking was quite brief but I'm not entirely sure I had a clue as to what I was doing. I just knew that I needed to move....somewhere. As fast as it began, it ended and I just stood there for a moment to allow myself to phase out of fight or flight mode.

I'm sure all the seasoned bay area residents are snickering at this given that it was really minor and maybe I'll be of that mentality one day but it freaked me out. So I've decided that it's finally time to go buy my earthquake supplies (bottled water, non-perishable goods and xanax for my nerves). If that was minor, I can't imagine what a "big one" must be like.

Diamonds (and Bob) are forever.

2006-12-14T17:07:00.000-08:00

I haven't really had much to blog about lately and apologize for the radio silence. This afternoon however, a friend sent me a link to a site that horrified and cracked me up at the same time. It's called LifeGem and I invite you to click around the site for a minute.

Essentially this company offers to take your loved one after the die and turn their carbon into a diamond that you can wear forever. EWWW!!!

"I love your new ring Gladys". "Why thank you Susan...it's Bob....he was a good for nothing schlub in life but look how he sparkles now"!!

I can understand that people have trouble letting go but this is just a bit creepy. I will admit that the marketing opportunities are virtually boundless:

"Didn't like your mother in law? Snatch a finger out of her coffin at the viewing, bring it to us and we'll make a prince albert out of it for you! Now you can literally piss on her grave every day".

So if this weren't creepy enough, they actually have a "Family Plan". Sure, your kids are going to die some day...why not just avoid paying health insurance and get on JemLife's family plan instead? You'll be able to show off your new jewelry before you can say Chicken Pox.

I don't know about you all but I plan on changing my will to strictly forbid anyone from taking my carbon to JemLife.

Ladies and gentlemen it's my pleasure to introduce...

2006-11-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

Miss Crystal McNugget!! Unfortunately I did not yet have the equipment to pull videos from my digital camcorder to my laptop after Halloween. On the bright side and much to Dan's expected horror....I do now =) Allow me to preface this for a moment. This past Halloween my boyfriend Jake dressed up as Heidi, Kelly was Jeffrey, Jimmi was Laura, I was Tim and Dan was a self proclaimed winner of the modeling portion of the competition. In case you aren't following, we dressed up as the cast from last season's Project Runway.

In any event I decided to dust off my digital camera and for a few days we recorded our exploits. Little did we know that Dan's alter ego would emerge through the course of this weekend adventure. So ladies and gentlemen....I'm very proud and terrified to announce Miss Crystal McNugget.

Some Americans need a swift kick in the pants

2006-11-27T15:00:00.001-08:00

Since the birth of our nation, freedom of speech has been walking a meandering line between a "God given right" and an elusive concept. The beginning of this millennium has arguably ushered in a profound degradation of this right we hold so dear and I fear that many Americans are losing sight of this basic and necessary gift.

As disgusted as I was when the hate slinging followers of Fred Phelps decided to hold anti-homosexual protests at the funerals of fallen American service men and women, I most certainly had to bite my tongue and remind myself that it was their right to do so. Tasteless and evil in my eyes, yes, but still their right.

Today I was thumbing through the news and came across a little article which resonated with me. As innocuous as the situation in this article may seem, I think it sheds light on a much larger and horrifying trend in our society. First and foremost, to the individuals crusading against this woman's wreath: Shame on you. I must have overlooked the portion of the Bill of Rights that states freedom of expression doesn't cover holiday decorations.

Secondly, since when did the peace sign become 1) negative and 2) satanic? I would hope that every citizen of this country would wish for world peace because we are light years from attaining it.

Finally, I am all for patriotism and unity but I am utterly against the homogenization and pervasiveness of so called mainstream American ideals. We are a country of many religions, of many backgrounds and of many ideals. If the manger scene in your neighbors front yard during Christmas offends you, close your blinds. If the homosexual couple down the street is trying to adopt a needy child into their loving home and you don't agree with it, bite your tongue. If your child is off fighting a war overseas and you see people protesting against war, hold your head up high and remember that your child is defending their right to speak their mind. I think many of us are a bit overdue for a dose of tolerance and should lay off the finger pointing and whining.

Traditions

2006-11-21T15:34:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow morning I'm heading back home to Texas to partake in one of my favorite family traditions...the Thanksgiving bonfire. I know, "how down home bumpkin of you Nick". This is an old and very fun tradition my family has had since I was a young lad. My grandparents used to own a large ranch north of Dallas which they'd use as a rural get away from the city (Dallas). The night before Thanksgiving they would have the entire family and close family friends gather at the ranch where they had spent months building a bonfire. We'd all show up and there would be a huge treasure hunt across the 160+ acres of property in which the winning team always walked away with some awesome prize. Afterwards we'd have dinner and would head out into a clearing in the woods to torch the bonfire. I've always had fond memories of these events but they ended up selling the ranch when I was about 15. Bummer.

After I went away to college my mom and step-father decided they wanted to get out of Austin and built a ranch about 40 minutes outside the city. Of course they brought back the tradition of the bonfire but with a twist. My parents know how to party. Aside from our entire family attending we generally have 75 to 100 of our close friends as well. Here are some pictures of the bonfire last year. Jake and I built it.

You may notice Miss Coco Merlot in that picture (second from the right)

This is the path we light to show guests the way out to the bonfire.

I'll post some picture of this years bonfire when I have some time. Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!!!

Kramer Loses It

2006-11-20T18:41:00.000-08:00

So I just got home from work and decided to get a dose of the ever depressing news when I came across this shocker. Fortunately I managed to find the unedited version of the video on YouTube. I'm virtually at a loss for words. Michael Richards (Kramer from Seinfeld) utterly lost his cool during a stand-up routine at the Laugh Factory in LA. I agree that it is in poor taste to interrupt a comic while he's doing his thing but this reaction is abhorrent.

WATCH BILL MAHER TONIGHT

2006-11-10T16:02:00.000-08:00

This is been making some waves in the blogger community but has gone largely unnoticed to the rest of the public. Last night Larry King interviewed Bill Maher and in the interview Bill stated that many top ranking GOP members are gay. He went so far as to out Ken Mehlmen (RNC Chairman). CNN quickly edited this out of the broadcast and cease and desist orders have been sent to YouTube by CNN to remove all CNN videos from their site. Looks like this ruffled some feathers in the Grand Ole Party. The Huffington Post is still airing the original and edited versions of this interview.

It appears that Bill has sworn to out more closeted GOP members tonight on his show Real Time with Bill Maher. Everyone set your Tivo's, DVR's or VCR's to record it!!

Pot Hole...On the Rocks

2006-11-09T23:27:00.000-08:00

So here's a little anecdotal fluff piece of advice from my meandering experiences....shopping carts can kill. This week I had my step-mother fly in from Houston and my sister fly up from LA. We had a great dinner Wednesday night at The Slanted Door and then met up again tonight for cocktails. Let me preface that by saying my sister and step-mother met up for drinks at 4pm...by the time I joined them....they were...umm....yes, "that". Either way, I played the "I need to catch up" game and we had a smashing evening. My boyfriend met up with us for one more round, a bit of food and then my sister, he and I began our short trek home. A side note about my family...we're a goofy bunch after cocktail hour.

Picture the three of us walking down the street. My sister and I notice a small abandoned shopping cart on the sidewalk. We may have two years between us but we definitely share a brain and along those lines had the same thought. "Hey Tierney, why don't you hop in the cart...I'll push". See picture below:

Take this picture as the 5 4 3 2 1 countdown to sibling catastrophe. Immediately after Jake snapped this shot I decided that we needed to hit warp speed.

As you may have noticed we were on a sidewalk and this sidewalk had a ramp down to cross the upcoming street.

Mission number one, make it down the ramp at high speed with my sister in the wonky cart.

Mission accomplished.

Mission number two, make it across the street at high speed with my sister in the wonky cart.

Mission accomplished.

Mission number three, make it up the ramp at high speed with my sister in the wonky cart.

...........
...................
..............................
...........................................
......................................................

POT HOLE

Woops, didn't see that coming. Rushing towards the on-ramp to the sidewalk, the wonky cart hit a wonky, hidden pot hole and the drunken unthinkable happened in full view of A) fashionistas B) tourists C) locals D) my boyfriend and most embarrassingly E) the homeless.

The moment those two front wheels hit the deep, wet hole we came to an abrupt and painful stop. My sister was all but ejected from the cart and the force of the impact caused the cart to roll over itself with me entirely flip flopping over it. And there it was.....Nick's family road kill. The first thing I processed was my boyfriend expediting his stride down the street to deminish his association with our calamity. Immediately after that realization my hearing decided to rejoin my other senses and I heard, "OOOHHH MUUUHHH GAWWWDDDD....DDAAATSS TRAGIC". Where did this comment eminate from you ask? One of the homeless. That's right. For the first time since I moved to SF I had a homeless person feel the need to verbally deem me more tragic than themselves. Humiliating yet in my drunken stupor I found it humorous. Finally I decided to stand up and stop allowing people from stepping over me at which point I began looking for my sister......this deserves yet another paragraph.

I pan back over my shoulder to find my poor little sister with her ass stuck inside the extremely tiny/narrow shopping cart (again reference the picture above) but her face had landed smack down in the foulest San Francisco street corner cesspool. Everyone insert their OMG faces here.

So as I stated at the beginning of this post...this is an anecdotal fluff piece of experience from my life but mark my words, shopping carts can kill. Everyone write your newly elected Democratic congress persons and senators about this newly emerging terorist threat! Also ask them for a wet-nap for my sister's face.

Freedom

2006-11-07T16:19:00.000-08:00

Freedom

This is absolutely brilliant. It gave me chills. I'll let this video speak for itself.....it speaks volumes.

Highly Annoyed

2006-11-01T10:58:00.000-08:00

Last night two of our friends held a get together at their apartment on Castro St. for Halloween (a big thanks to you both for doing that). At some point we all decided to migrate down to mix with the party crazies on the street below. Never in my life have I heard such vitriol directed at gays. I could barely take 5 steps without hearing some ignorant moron utter something to the effect of, "fucking fags, I fucking hate the castro".

WHY DO YOU COME THEN?????

I don't like shoving my hand into a deep fryer....SO I DON'T DO IT!!!!!

Granted this was my first Halloween in the Castro and though I was told to expect a large straight/unruly crowd, I was shocked at the train wreck that we were navigating through. Perhaps next year the price of admittance should be a that you have to blow the person you come with. That might weed out the ignoramuses.

Of course the night had to be topped of with some unnecessary gun violence.

So here's my no brainer theory as to why these "people" show up and cause problems. What do humans do when they're curious about something? They look into it. What do humans do when they feel guilty or embarrassed about looking into it? They lash out. SO...all of our gay bashing party goers just can't accept the fact that they want something shoved up their ass. Deal with it people....or don't show up to our events. I pity you.

She has secrets in her hair

2006-10-23T14:05:00.000-07:00

I was leisurely strolling back to my office today after lunch and noticed some uber-punk rock chick standing near the doors to our building. From a distance I could already tell that she had raided Cyndi Lauper’s closet (circa 1985) because nothing remotely came close to matching. That’s perfectly fine with me, wear what you want people. As the distance between us further closed I also noticed that she had taken the time to dye her “hair” at least 4 different colors but apparently did not have the time to wash it as well. Again, fine…your hair, your business. What I was 100%, absolutely not fine with were the contents her hair held. I had to directly slide past this woman to get into my office and as I did, something lurched out of her hair at me. It was a huge friggin’ rat, which I can only assume was her pet because it too had a stunning dye job (orange polka dots). I’m all for freedom of expression but not when it virtually jumps on my face. Let's keep the varmints at home people.

Why is there a shoe on your mantle?

2006-10-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I met up with Jake and two of his co-workers for some post grind cocktails. After a few hours, some hysterical conversations and a massive tab, we all decided to relocate to good ol' Natoma. The evening was progressing swimmingly though I fully should have anticipated some crazy from the streets below. Yes, this is yet another Natoma story but this one takes the cake over all others to date.

So we were all sitting around enjoying our glasses of wine when some unintelligible ranting began to filter in from the windows. Being a curious individual I quietly slipped out onto the balcony and looked down onto the now infamous street. There was a man and a woman camped out in what I'm officially dubbing the "crack nook" on the side of the building across the street. Jake and his co-workers at this point had their interest piqued and decided to join me outside to watch in horror as this incident played itself out.

This man seemed to be fumbling around with the woman's leg and for a few minutes we couldn't quite determine what his end goal was. That is until he pulled up her pant leg and proceeded to shoot her up with whatever chemical de jour they had the good fortune of obtaining that evening. Eww, don't, gross, stop, please....and it was over. I thought. Once her tonic took hold she appeared to be getting a little.....excited? One of Jake's co-workers made a noise which quickly garnered the attention of the man below. Apparently he enjoys an audience because he began to rub her womanly parts. Thus began the horror of the evening. She stood up, peeled off her hootchie shoes, yanked off her pants and under garments, planted one leg up on the side of the wall and positioned herself over her man. You see where this is going don't you? That's right, he proceeded to perform oral sex right there, on my street, in plain view of the world and in particular my balcony.

The four of us stood there, locked in a death gaze, unable to blink, breathe or move. This went on for a few minutes before I decided that I needed to make it even more blog worthy. (Nick's internal thought) "Certainly the dog needs to go out right now". Down the stairwell I bolted with my dog grumpily being dragged behind. As I opened the door to the street I catch the woman zipping up her pants. She strolled over to me with what I can only describe as some vestige of a proper swagger commonly found in southern women and said, "Now you have a good evenin' honey" and walked away. I was dumbfounded. Were we really their audience and my street their theater?? After the initial stupor faded I glanced across the street and noticed that she had left her shoes. Naturally I needed a momento of their show, so I nabbed one. It is now prominently displayed on my mantle above the fireplace. Let's call it a conversation piece.

Wanted: Housekeeper

2006-10-17T17:51:00.000-07:00

So I'm rapidly reaching the unfortunate conclusion that a clause for clutter gnomes was slipped into my rental agreement here in SF. For the life of me I never had a problem keeping my house in order back in Austin. Perhaps I'm living by example? The people on the streets below certainly haven't the foggiest notion of putting items where they belong. Maybe the street is just clutter cursed? I've taken a gander into several an open door in my building's hallways only to see an indoor representation of the sidewalks outside. Whatever the supernatural cause might be...IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS. We literally clean about every two days and like clockwork we'll awake 48 hours later to the house from "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" (pre Sue Ellen Crandell's ill-fated fashion show). Thus begins the next round of scouring...yeah, I'm right on top of that Rose.
Honestly, I think our dog walker is the main impetus for cleaning. I'm afraid that if she walks in and sees a sloppy kitchen too often she'll call animal control citing an unfavorable living environment. Ok ok ok so it's really not THAT bad. A neat freak I am not but on the flip side, any clutter is too much clutter....it just takes me a little longer than my OCD counterparts to get around to it. Speaking of dogs, my little tail chaser is half the reason it's so hard to keep things clean. Since moving to a climate cooler than steamy Texas, he has put on a bit of a winter coat. Portions of said winter coat consequently only remain on his body for a short period of time. Once his daily 5,000 hairs decide to secede from the union, they start rival gangs on my hardwood floors, eternally vying for territory. Alas that leaves Jake and I stuck fighting a losing battle in a war that seems to have no end. Hmmm that sounds familiar...eh Bushy?

In any event, this brings me to the subject of the posting. I might be starting to maybe think about possibly researching the far fetched notion of hiring a maid....hypothetically. Anyone have any experience in considering this option? He'll need to be about 6'4", tanned, dark hair, good physique and an accent wouldn't hurt. Wearing shoes while cleaning is negotiable.

2006-10-15T02:30:00.000-07:00

George Takei on the William Shatner Roast

Holy f'ing shit. In case any of you missed this little jem, PLEASE WATCH. GO SULU!!!!!

Did you know

2006-10-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

So Jake and I chose to lay low tonight in lieu of going out on the town. I decided to go through some of my old pictures and came across a couple involving another of our blogger friends. Interesting tidbit of knowledge, he and I have the same birthday (March 8th). This is from our joint b'day party at my house in Austin a few years ago. The picture below is of my sister, myself and of course Kelly.

We had two friends of mine dress up as Patsy and Edina (AbFab for the gay culturally challenged). Kelly's expression cracks me up in this pic. It's almost like he's one of Bob Barker's girls showcasing a brand new car.

He and I went all out for this not so little shindig. Had over 120 people show up which made us VERY happy we decided to hire a bartender. Kelly, I think we need to start planning the '07 bash. Obviously 2006 was a wash because we were both planning a move to SF.

Who pulled that rabbit outta my wig?

2006-10-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

Oh dear lord in heaven, Coco Merlot has pulled an old dusty rabbit out of her wig. I encourage you all to take a gander at his latest blog entry. This involves Kelly (a.k.a. Who Threw That Ham At Me) and myself. Ahh the memories…..the horror…..Trent.

2006-10-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

Weatherman vs. the Cockroach

This further bolsters my theory that all weathermen are big nelly homos.

Hewwo fwom zee moon!!

2006-10-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

Apparently China broadcast 30 songs from their lunar-probing satellite to commemorate their Moon Festival.

According to the article "My Wonderful Home Town" received the most votes followed by "I Love China".

Other songs that were broadcast but not mentioned in the article are "My Village Has Flooded", "Population Explosion", "We Love Cream of SumYunGuy" and the big crowd pleaser "Religious Freedom '90".

I personally love the fact that all the songs broadcasted were selected by "public votes and by a panel of experts". That's worth a laugh and a half.

Mirror mirror on the wall...

2006-10-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

This morning again saw the rise of my usual routine: shower, shave, toss on some clothes, frantically rush out the door so I can swing by to pick up the obligatory Arizona Iced Green Tea and then slide in to work. Aside from some rain, there was nothing to indicate that this day would prove to hold something more than the status quo.

I sat down and began going through what masses of corporate e-mail had piled up from the day before when someone pops their head in to ask if I could join them for a quick meeting. Internally grumbling because I hadn't yet had the opportunity to skim the news, I capitulated and headed to the conference room.

Generally speaking this piece of information would be exceedingly pointless but it's crucial to my story. Our front conference room is on street level and two of the four walls are almost entirely glass looking out onto the streets. From the outside, these windows are just about 100% reflective. Sure, we've had our fun in the past giggling at people who walk by and briefly primp themselves before it dawns on them that someone might be watching from the other side. What lay in store for us this morning was nothing short of a carnival freak show. Queue the carni music.

Meeting begins. Nick: "wa wha wa wa wa wha" Boss: "wa wha wa wa wa wha" Employee1: "wa wha wa wa wa wha" Boss: "what the hell is that!!"

Everyone turns towards the window (see picture below):

In case you're not picking up on it, there's Bum Betty in the window. No she's not peeking in at us, she can't see in. She spent the first 5 minutes looking at something that was stuck in her eyebrow. For a closeup of that see below:

The next 10 minutes (and no we refrained from taking a picture of this) she spent closely examining the inner contents of her nose......THOROUGHLY if you catch my drift. Needless to say the meeting proved to be unproductive since we spent the entire time laughing and cringing. Thanks Bum Betty for making an otherwise gloomy Thursday morning just a little bit brighter!!

CoCo Merlot, C'MON DOWN!!!

2006-10-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Everyone, it is my great pleasure to introduce you to a dear friend of mine. He's a little bit country, he's a little bit scary, he just might be stealing a dress from your sister's closet....yes that's right, IT'S Coco Merlot!!!

Seriously though, this is a very good friend of mine from back in Austin who coincidentally will be making his first San Francisco appearance this weekend. He also just joined the blogging community. You can track the mad rantings of Coco Merlot on his blog, Intelligently Ignorant.

As for the picture, yeah...umm......dude, did you have to go all out and do the finger nails?

This was actually taken at a Halloween party last year at my house in Austin. So I guess we'll let this slide (sorta).

Defcon 2

2006-10-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

NATOMA TRAVEL ALERT: DEFCON LEVEL TWO
----------------------------------------------

Travel advisory - All residents and tourists who plan on venturing into the SoMa area of San Francisco, please proceed with added caution for the rest of the week.

-----------------------------------------------

Jake and I have picked up on a very strong trend in our neighborhood over the past few months. Around the 1st of every month we start to notice a very distinct increase in crazy.

At first I thought it was coincidence, and then I considered the gravitational forces of the moon but now I'm just convinced....this must be the time of month that our street walking friends get paid by the government.

There are a select few who roam this area that I utterly enjoy encountering. For instance the extremely kind man who draws some of the most amazing pictures or the overly friendly woman who acts as if it's the first time she's seen my dog.....each night. These are the type of people who you truly want to help out. But where on earth do they go around the 1st??? They may be without home but they're not without intelligence. THEY RUN!!!! It's around this time of month that faces seem to be in more of a stuper or more enraged. Even the neighborhood youth seems to exude a surly demeanor (see picture).

Jacob comes home with a large grocery bag of fine select cheeses, a bottle of wine, french bread, etc. etc.

Nick: Jake, this is such a nice surprise

Jake: I'm happy to do it. I was on my way home and thought I'd pop into the new Westfield mall to get hors doerves and ingredients for dinner.

Nick: Awww

From outside: HEY YOU MOTHER FUCKER. I HAVE YOUR PLACE SURROUNDED. GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE NOW YOU S.O.B. (throws beer bottle at S.O.B's window)

So this drunken or drug induced drama played out for about 20 minutes. Sure, I'll admit that while I didn't enjoy having a nice dinner interrupted by crazy, it was moderately entertaining. However, this was just the beginning of Crazy Week Oct. '06. Of course I go to take the dog out for his nightly bizniz run but this run was more of a hop.....a hop over that needle....a skip over another.......oh look.....poop...... What would an evening dog walk near the first of the month be without coming upon a woman holding what looks like a fine silver platter up so that she can get a better view of the back side of her knee, where naturally she's searching for a good entry point for her needle. Will have to make a mental note of that location so that I can of course hop and skip tomorrow.

The dog really digs it...he thinks it's a special occassion. I find it moderately humorous but ultimately annoying. Is this city ever going to figure out an adequate solution? I'm not suggestion finding them a remote island, just maybe not paying them to shoot up on my street???

Yeah I did it, but you were thinking it!!

2006-10-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

Ok so yes...I did the deed that dare not speak its name. I bloodied up a distiguished member of the blogging community while giving a raging headache to another . But c'mon, you all were thinking it....I just had the low hangers!!!

Wanna know why I did?? I walked into Chox's bedroom and he's standing there with another of your beloved bloggers. What were they doing you ask??? Oh I'll tell you what these two were doing...they were totally being Regina George and Gretchen Weiners (a.k.a Mean Girls)!!!

(insert ficticious crying here)

OK OK OK, yeah what I pulled was a horrific accident and I feel like a total ass for it. Boys, you know I love you two. It was one of those "oops I've been drinking" moments. I'll concede that I fully expect to not live this one down for a couple years so c'mon, bring it. I love a good jab at my expense ;) Bloody boy and headache boy....I owe you beeyotches a few drinks.

Nick Natoma signing out....

(AND TAKING MANY ADVIL)

(BUT STILL DRINKING)

(AND STILL FEELING HORRID)

Crack is whack....or is it back......hmmmm

2006-09-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

Whitney stopped me on the street tonight and she eloquently conveyed her concerns that I might be painting San Francisco in a grim light. I first and foremost wanted to clarify my intentions and secondly found our conversation stimulating so I asked her if she'd go on the record with me. The following is a transcript of our conversation.

Whitney: CRACK IS WHACK!!

Nick: Yes, so true, crack certainly is whack but I'd like us to get back to the point you previously made to me regarding my last post. You incinuated that I'm putting an ugly face on San Francisco. My only response is that my last post was purely in jest and entirely in response to people and situations I've personally encountered in my neighborhood. There are so many incredible and intriguing aspects to this city, all of which I fully intend to report on in the future.

Whitney: It's like, that's my lair and nobody messes with my lair.

Nick: Oh Whitney, you sassy manx....but seriously let's focus here..........HEY........HHEEEYYYY..... eyes open woman!

Whitney: [Wha! Who? Wha?] : I believe the children are our future

Nick: That's right, the children are our future and while we're on the topic of family, let's discuss yours.

Whitney: I've got a good man. He takes care of me. I don't have to be scared of anything because I know he will kick every ass... disrespect him and you've got a problem.

Whitney: Bobby will take my hand and put it on his face-that's romantic.

Nick: Umm did you just get back from a trip to de-Nile? Do you read the tabloids? Do you even read?

Whitney: [shrugs]

Nick: I hate to be the one to break this to you but the S.S. Bobby has sailed. How does that make you feel?

Whtiney: I have no idea what I want, like I'm just a puppet

Whitney: .............CRACK IS WHACK

Nick: Mmmmhmmmm, why do you keep saying that when we all know you like to dabble. Aren't you aware you look like highway road kill? Haven't you noticed the looks you get?

Whitney: I was scared to death. I was aware of people staring at me. No one moved. They seemed almost in trance.

Nick: [laughing] Well yes it really can be disconcerting to see walking death.

Whitney: I would rather not talk about my personal life.

Nick: I completely understand. I wouldn't want to talk about my personal life either if I were giving an interview to an unknown while frantically shooing imaginary flies away from my train wreck of a face.

Whitney: I coulda been a rich man if I accepted all the bribes from the guys wanting to be in this room today.

Nick: Yeah, we're on the street, you're not a man and the aromas out here aren't appealing to me. Whitney, it has certainly been a.....I've enjoyed our......yeah I'm going to go upstairs to shower. Please keep it down tonight. Your voice isn't what it used to be and if I have to hear your banshee whails again at 3am I'm calling the cops.

*** Disclaimer: While this "interview" is completely ficticious, all comments made by Whitney are actually documented quotes. Go ahead, google them........

Bowing to peer pressure.....

2006-09-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

After six months of mounting pressure and much to their expected smirks, I have finally caved to the ranks of my blogger friends. So what do you say we do the meet and greet before I proceed to the actual reason I've utimately decided to sell out, sign up and buy in....

I originally hail from the ever beautiful, eternally liberal and all round kick ass city of Austin, TX. For those of you who are preparing to boo and hiss, Austin IS NOT stereotypical Texas so if you haven't been there, please direct your jeers elsewhere. I've always said that I felt disadvantaged growing up in a city that I truly love. While I'm an avid traveller, it never really provided me the impetus to go and out live elsewhere, until now. Fast forward to six months ago and my company decides to move operations to Dallas. I was given the option of taking a very generous severance package or moving up there with them. Needless to say that part was a complete no brainer. The less obvious part was deciding my next course of action. So my boyfriend and I had a discussion and decided on a whim to have a little adventure, a.k.a San Francisco. Finding a job was easier than anticipated (hadn't even finished my resume before I landed exactly what I was looking for) and I was on a plane to SF with two days notice. Finding a place to live was without a doubt more difficult and then actually moving was the proverbial icing on our stress cake. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda and there's the very quick and dirty on my background.

This brings us to the part where I tell you why I'm actually starting this blog. For the first few months after moving I would write these long, hilarious, action packed e-mails home to friends and family to keep them abreast of my "adventures". Invariably I would get the "you're kidding...that did not happen" response. So I'm going to be documenting the fun/insanity this city and particularly my street have to offer (with pictures when possible).

We found an amazing loft in SoMa (South of Market St. for those not from SF) but I'd be more than full of crap if I told you our immediate neighborhood was, ummm, dazzling. There's a mission right down the street and no that's not mission as in an area of SF but more like homeless mission. That's cool, I'm game, always up for a little diversity and the spirit of good will, right? Well sort of...let me provide some equations to help illustrate things:

THE SIMPLE AUSTIN EQUATION-
1) Austin + homeless = you at a stop light in your car rolling up your window so that you don't have to make eye contact with the ubiquitous, fairly well dressed man or woman holding a cardboard sign stating something about God and money.

THE NOT SO SIMPLE SF EQUATION-
2) San Francisco + homeless = (please see below)

A) For smokers: Cup your cigarette in your hand as you pass someone questionable. Flaunting nicotine delivery devices will result in many an unwelcomed "do you have one for me".
B) Confrontation avoidance methods: Sunglasses and headphones provide adequate plausible deniability.
C) Boxes: They're not just for packing anymore. Try to contain your shock when you walk by one that suddenly moves.
D) Dumpsters: See above
E) Wet side walks: It's rarely water
F) Dog poop: It's rarely from dogs
G) Drugs: If they're facing a wall to conceal, it's rarely a cig they're lighting.
H) Time of month: The city pays you to be homeless
I) Time of month: The 1st and 15th bring out the drug scaries (see above)
J) Psychotic rants: They are frequent, they are audible from your bedroom, they are without regard for time of day/night and they can last longer than El Nino....buy ear plugs.
K) Walking your dog: Be weary of the people who yell at your dog; be more weary of the ones who laugh uncontrollably just because there IS a dog.
L) Getting caught with your guard down: If you happen to get cornered and someone yells "Gimme a quarter!!", retort with "Give me a dollar!!". Chances are they're messed up enough to do it. Trust me...I've seen this work.

So that's just a sample of what I've learned so far with regards to dealing with the rampant homeless dilema in this city. Last night was actually the pinnacle of shocking experiences on this topic of discussion. As I was walking my dog down the street last night to do his business, I noticed two people sitting against the wall just across the way. Finding myself without sunglasses and headphones I realized I was treading into dangerous territory. Like clockwork the man yells, "hey, you wanna buy a watch", and without glancing over at him I chuckled and politely said no (another no no.....I dropped my guard and spoke). So dog and I continue walking until he's added to the abundant sidewalk art after which we turn back for the safety of the loft. This time as I approached the two people I got a better look and noticed that the woman was on her hands and knees but entirely covered with a blanket. The guy now yells, "hey man, you know you want some of this...it's damn good" and he removes the blanket to reveal her bare posterior and his finger going where I certainly didn't want to see it going. It quickly dawned on me that he was pimping her out right there on my street.

So yup....loads of fun, never a dull moment and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Such is San Francisco, you take the good with the bad and I've just scratched the surface. This is Nick signing IN and these are The Chronicles of Natoma.